John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
Today is Copernicus’s 541th birthday. You may remember Copernicus as the man who said “Hey, what if the Earth went around the sun?” To which the Catholic Church replied “Hey, what if we set you on fire?”
people who randomly decide to compliment you are so important
apologetic notes for the socially inept
Sometimes I want to apologize for not being able to talk to people like a normal human being. So I made these.
*adopts 420 children* haha raise it
don’t you mean blaze it?
NO YOU DON’T BLAZE 420 CHILDREN THAT’S WRONG
"how are you doing?"
[makes several vague hand gestures and various noises rather than giving an actual answer]
I babysit for a girl who use to think her mom’s name was “my love” because her dad said it so often to her and that’s just freaking cute I can’t
In Germany we don’t say “I don’t care” we say “Das ist mir Wurst” which roughly translates as “This is sausage to me” I think that’s beautiful.
no you don’t understand we actually do say that
i crashed my car into a bridge
THIS IS SAUSAGE TO ME